I Want To Be Happy (For Once)
This is just a vent zine to well, vent my feelings out to the world. Been needing to do this for a good while now.
~ Barbilou
(For the Spring Cleaning 2025 Jam)
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I can tell from all our interactions you're absolutely not replaceable. You're a shining light as an artist and overall nice person. Hope you find the happiness you deserve. <3
Dude, I completely understand how you feel.
The truth from me is that I have been dealing with feelings of unhappiness for over fifteen years. It mainly has to do with internet harassment because of the fact that I like Sonic the Hedgehog. I've grown to detest the internet crusades against "toxic fandom." I feel that it's absolutely dehumanizing to label entire groups of people as toxic just because they don't always see eye to eye. I've been hurt more by the narrative of toxic fandom than any fandom that was ever declared to be toxic. I think that if everything is toxic, then nothing is toxic, and if you try to play the "who is the least toxic" game, you'll be playing for life. And, yeah, before anyone asks, I am indeed autistic.
It's actually kind of a coincidence that you bring your gender struggles. I'm asexual, but I have also recently begun to detest my own maleness because my father and older brother were both major a-holes to me growing up. I'm confident that I have no desire to switch to female, so I am wondering if I am nonbinary.
You and I are in the same boat, so stay strong.
Stay strong too ;;
I'm agender too, and I feel a lot of this 100%. Sending you hugs. <3
Oh my goodness, Barbo! I totally understand so much of this, and am adjacent to a lot of it too. Please feel free to skip reading the rest of this, of course :D
You're not replaceable. You're amazing. You create wonderful stuff, you have a beautiful point of view that you're generous enough to share with the world. You're supportive and encouraging and wonderful despite the struggles.
When I was first transitioning to Beth, and for probably my first year as Beth, I felt the same way: "not woman enough." I don't get electrolysis, I don't want any gender-affirming care or surgery, I don't voice train, I don't care if I go a week or more between shaving... Whereas my friends dreamed of surgeries, got electrolysis, were great with makeup (which I don't use), they pass which I sure don't lol.
But a friend told me that there's no such thing as "enough." You define yourself. If you're agender, you're agender, no matter how "much" or how "little" it applies. There's no test that says you are or aren't. If it makes you happy, empowers you, or even just makes you feel less crappy, it's totally valid. And if you don't even think about your gender for massive stretches of time, it's still valid. When I transitioned, I thought about gender ALL THE TIME. Now it rarely enters my mind unless someone is looking at me super weird or talks about trans people. I thought for a while that meant I wasn't trans anymore, but I learned over and over that's not true.
You are a delightful person, Barbo, regardless of your gender identity or your mood. You are a blessing in my life, and I'm so happy you're a part of it 🧡
- ✨Beth